Somehow, somewhere in the Universe, several planets aligned. I don’t know why, I’m not entirely sure HOW, but someone somewhere decided, “Hey – lets send Chris Scott to India.” This will chronicle my descent into what I have discovered may be a sauna somewhere in hell. I don’t mean to imply that India is an unpleasant place, only that the devil probably visits here when he needs a spa day. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself – lets start from the beginning.
It started with a delightful limo ride to the airport. Everything was packed – toothbrushes, socks, passport, and a large bag of hot Cheetos. This was great. I shared the vehicle with my housemate and coworker Ellen Cuny. That was a lot of fun. The car ride was quick and there was almost no fear of death. The things I take for granted…
So, we hopped out of our vehicle and into the Tom Bradley International Terminal, where in lies the Emirates (that’s our plane) lounge. Which was great. The business lounge was a nice, comfy huge room with internet access, delicious sandwiches of every kind (I ate as many of the roast beef ones as they put out, as I anticipated there would be no roast beef for me for quite some time after this) plenty of free alcohol, cookies (Brussels, I think they’re called – I grabbed several small packs of these for emergency India Dining purposes) and tested out a beer – I think it was called OB and was Korean. I imagine this was because Emirates shares a lounge with Korean Air. In any case, its flavor was not bad for a beer named for a feminine product. There must be some marketing brilliance behind the name.
In any case, they loaded us aboard a brand new Boeing 777-200ER – one of the newest planes in the Boeing catalog, and took off.
This airplane could have been the coolest thing I’ve been in since the invention of the pantsuit. The seats recline… and by recline I mean TURN INTO A BED. So I sat down, turned on the front facing airplane webcam, leaned back, and relaxed.
I found the safety video highly entertaining. Apparently, the safest place for your young child is a body bag. I’m not kidding. In the event of a water landing, throw your kid in a body bag and ship him out to the proper authorities. The bright side? There’s a small, clear plastic window so you can watch your baby in the body bag.
It wasn’t long before they started throwing all manner of food at me. Champagne came before takeoff. I drank about a have flute – no need to get overly belligerent on the airplane. Then, there was a tea. Then a salmon with a dinner roll and some kind of lemon mayo. Then my food came out – I have pictures of all these meals. They were great!
The coolest part to me was the plane lighting. In addition to free razors, shaving cream, socks, eyepads, and perfume, the lighting was the best part. The cabin lighting at first reflected our departure colors, but after several hours, was set to match the lighting conditions of our destination. It was amazing. The hue changed, the lights dimmed and went from white to golden to a dusky orange to purple. Once the purple started to fade, the ceiling lit up… with STARS! Not just little holes with lights, there were CONSTELLATIONS on my ROOF! I clearly found Orion’s belt and the big dipper. This, to me, was badass. But not badass enough to keep me awake. Then, I fell asleep.
When I awoke, it was feeding time again. They made me a great French toast, tea, and a bunch of other stuff I ate but was far, far too groggy to remember. This is the part where things started to get weird on me.
The windows in the cabin are all operated by button. That by itself was pretty cool, but they were actually two layers to these blinds – one that merely blocked the view but allowed light in and one that blocked out the sun. For some reason, my window only closed about 95% percent of the way, which allowed a bit of light from the outside to reach me. It turns out that flying over the polar icecaps removes your nighttime. There was no night. So we left in the afternoon or late evening, flew INTO the day. However, when we began to land, it became apparent that it was actually nearly late afternoon/early evening.
Swell. So we left at dusk, fell asleep for a couple hours during lunch, and woke up AT DUSK AGAIN. On paper, that sounds simple. While in an airplane hurtling across the planet, it messes with your mind. Solution: watch bad movies. I think I watched as much of G.I. Joe as I could before I became mindlessly bored.
Thankfully, the flight was over much sooner than I anticipated. We offloaded into the Dubai International Terminal.
For those of you who don’t know, Terminal 3 in Dubai is amazing. It’s huge. It’s comfortable. There are showers. There are beers. There are eighteen different places to eat. I ate at least one of everything (and there was a lot) and went on a bit of exploring. I noticed every clock was from ROLEX, which seemed to have sponsored the wing of the airport. I must say, that airport was nice. I’m pretty sure it was created with bricks of 100$ bills.
So, after freshening up with a brisk morning/afternoon/evening/oute
Boarding actually didn’t begin until just after 11:00. This worried me, but not enough to roust me from my evening/leap year nap.
My worries were unfounded, as we again found ourselves in a nearly identical plane, complete with the automatically folding robot chair/bed. The only differences I could see were a lack of starlight built into the roof (which makes sense, in retrospect, as I don’t think stars exist in Mumbai) and a manual, classic style pull down window shutter. I was really disappointed in that shutter. I much preferred the glowing up/down button shutter to classic style version, and besides, I was far to busy having food, goodie bags, and hand creams thrown at my face to worry about such things for too long.
Landing in Mumbai wasn’t nearly as horrible as I’d imagined it would be. From the stories I heard, I imagined that you walked out into a mosquito breading zone so thick with the bugs they would become stuck in your teeth with every breath. It turns out it wasn’t even remotely that bad. It was more like being stuck in the everglades whilst coated with a thick layer of bee honey. I was more of an aperitif to them, I think, and less of a feedbag. That was good.
Another expectation I had shattered was the general number of people in the airport. I had envisioned men stacked upon men – hundreds at a time, all attempting to stand in each other’s space. This is not the case. No one wants to be where you are, and there was plenty of space for everyone.
Instead, I discovered everyone wants to be ahead of you. Small moving electric vehicles. Juice vendors. Sandwich wielding Frenchmen. Pilots. They all want the space DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF WHERE YOU ARE. These leads to an important cultural difference: In America, we call this a line. In the UK, India, Honduras, South Africa, and other civilized parts of the world, they call this a Que.
We Americans, with our sense of social propriety, decide who goes next by standing in a single file line. In India, there is no single file line. There are 3,117 lines that all end in front of a single place.
This is where Indian Martial Arts come into play. You must learn to vanish between people, squeeze around them, and politely avoid them while smiling but not making eye contact. This ‘Que-Fu’ as I call it is probably the martial art most used by five year old children attempting to escape the clutches of their evil parents, overprivelaged supermodels, and trash collectors. More on the latter of the group later.
There are two reasons you want to be in and out of these lines quickly. The first is because if you aren’t careful, the entire population of Indiawill jump in front of you. The second is the smell. The reason trash collectors and Indians appear to be so good at Que-Fu is the odor. You don’t want to be around this many smelly people all the time. The odor, as I discovered upon stepping outside, isn’t really the fault of the Indians. It’s more the fault of the weather. The moment I stepped outside, my glasses turned completely foggy. We’re talking 100%. I was without the ability to see. I also noticed that my pants, which I thought were a fine khaki material, were actually a lovely beige form of moist spandex clinging to my body with reckless abandon. Never before would I have suspected that one day I would look up to God longingly and ask him to bestow upon me a squeegee for my ass.
The next fun step was the car ride. Thankfully, Emirates provided us with lovely luxury cars. However, the driver is on the opposite side of the vehicle, which screwed with me. Once every five minutes I’d look up and to the left and a little voice in my head would scream “BUT WHO’S DRIVING THE CAR?!?!”
This leads me to another aspect of Indian Que-Fu – traffic. Firstly, it drives on the other side of the road. Having been awake for some number of hours I can’t fully articulate due to the effects of time travel, every time I looked out the window, I panicked a little. OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE…oh. Repeat that in your head about 500 times and you’ll have some idea of what it was like. Then came the cows. Big ass cows. Male cows. Female cows. Lots of cows. At the airport. Hanging out. No people leading them, just generally having a blast in the foggy/smoggy weather. We dodged those. Then came the dogs. If you are a dog lover, there about 5,234,523,211 dogs per.square.foot.of.space.
In any case, watching hundreds of other cars hurtle at me at these insane speeds was enough to throw me for a loop. Once we arrived through the hotel and completed the Security Masterpiece Theater, I road the McDeath elevator up to my room. I have dubbed it this because power to the elevator drops—apparently randomly—and the elevator drops about 2 feet quite suddenly before the breaks kick in. This is something I really, really don’t want to experience first hand, thanks.
I’m on the 12th floor of I don’t know how man floors. There is 1,2,3, 10,12,14,15, and 16. I assume someone broke through the crack squad of savy, motivated personel working security and stole all the missing floors. Maybe that’s not the case. Maybe the other floors are vacationing in America or visiting the Eiffel Tower.
A security guard greeted me at the elevator. He looked like he wanted to break me in twain, but instead grabbed my bags, showed me to my room, opened it and powered it up for me. Very kind of him. I stepped into the room to discover something else odd. There is a window into my shower from my bedroom. A HUGE window. I assume that there are circumstances in which this would could be awesome. However, the shower door is glass and looks into the bathroom as well. I effectively have a view from my bedroom clear into my toilet. I can think of a lot of circumstances in which this could be terrifying, and so have decided to dub this toilet-window the ‘Smell-O-Vision’ viewspace.
I decided to take a look out the window. The sun was coming up. This bothered me because in my mind, the sun should be going down at this hour, but instead seemed to have had one too many drinks, forgotten where his apartment was, and stumbled out into the street in the middle of the night to give it another go.
I shut the curtains and passed out for just about the best three odd hours of rest I’ve ever had. Am I still tired? Oh my god yes. But I have things to do tomorrow, so I’m going to try to stick it out until about 10:00 tonight. If I can manage that, then dose myself with some Tylenol PM, I should be okay.
I will send pictures along as soon as I can get my Mac and Camera back on speaking terms.
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